Eagles Mailbag: The Jalen Hurts Punitentiary Experiment

In honor of one of the questions in this mailbag, I’ll add a cliché: you have questions, we have answers.

Has the pun on Jalen Hurt’s name been washed to death? – Lonis

It’s just laziness to use “it hurts” now, which is kind of funny because Jalen Hurts Yes now is fine. The expiration date of anything cool is when the company or in this case the team social media account starts using something. The Eagles used “wounded so well” and “killed so many wounds” which is advocating to do a lot of murder, “hit where they hurt” which is obvious, “truth hurts” which is a bad situation. So we can retire those.

I think the only titles, phrases, sayings, idioms, expressions, etc. that have “hurt” or “hurt” that doesn’t and won’t be made to die is “everyone hurts”. This one feels safe because A) it doesn’t make any sense unless, say, he pitched the entire starting lineup a TD, but more importantly B) this sentence immediately reminds me of Michael Stipe singing “everything” in three-second syllables Personally “it hurts” and, if you’re old enough to remember a music video, sit in traffic. No one wants to remember sitting in traffic.

This isn’t technically a question, but I’m going to post a larger answer:

I think he’s the best assistant coach in Hawks history. My ranking of the top 5 assistant coaches is as follows:

1. Jeff Stoutland, Offensive Line 2013-present

I put Stottland first because he peaked in both Super Bowl rings and longevity because he’s the third head coach. Look around the league and see those who have been in service much longer than their head coaches Position coach, you may be looking for a running back or tight end coach. Stoutland continues to develop a great offensive line and develops player after player. The only reason it feels like Jeff Stoutland will no longer be the Eagles offensive line coach is because Jeff Stoutland has decided he doesn’t want to be the Eagles offensive line coach.

2. Jim Johnson, Defensive Coordinator 1999-2008

If you want to make the argument that Johnson should be at the top of the list, you won’t be opposed by me. Andy Reid will be in the Hall of Fame and is the league’s only true QB master coach, but his Eagles’ best unit is defense. Johnson has some great players to work with, but he also has rotating support players. During his tenure, the Hawks beat the linebacker, the defensive line kept changing, and he had four different starting minors in four straight NFC title games from 2001 to 2004. Change never stopped Johnson.

3. Marion Campbell, Defensive Coordinator 1977-1982

Find a really good Eagles team and you’ll find a really good defense. When the Hawks entered the Super Bowl in 1980, Dick Vermeil, Ron Jaworski, Harold Carmichael and Willbert Montgomery were the headliners, but their defense led the league in scoring. From 1977 to 1981, Marion Campbell put the Eagles in the top 10 in defensive scoring and back-to-back firsts. He has a good core, but no star players other than Charlie Johnson and Bill Birge. He just keeps putting on a very good defense after a very good defense. He’s terrible as a head coach, but top-notch as an assistant.

4. John Harbaugh, 1998-2006 Special Teams, 2007 Defensive Back

Andy Reid inherited Harbaugh and then spent eight years giving him an ever-changing roster of players and asking Harbaugh to give him an excellent special team unit. he made it. In those eight seasons, he’s had eight different players returning to double-digit punts or kicks, not to mention the loss of coverage unit players. If teams weren’t afraid to hire a special team coordinator as a coach, he would have been hired earlier, as evidenced by his hiring after a year as a defensive backs coach.

5. Jon Gruden, Offensive Coordinator 1995-1997

I can get fifth place in a few ways. I give it to Gruden because probably does more than anyone considered here. He let the Hawks’ offense exceed its weight, 9th in scoring, 10th in DVOA and 4th in passing yards in 1996 despite being 12th in attempts, and his QBs were Rodney Peete and Ty Detmer, who passed the ball to Chris Jones and 34-year-old Owen Friar. In 1997, Bobby Hoying threw 11 TDs to 6 INTs to finish the season. It seems ridiculous now, but heading into the 1998 season, he was seen as a potential starting QB. But Gruden left to become the Raiders head coach that offseason. Bobby Hoying has never thrown a TD in his career.

Honorable Mention: Jim Schwartz, who won the Super Bowl; Bud Carson has a great defense but also a ton of talent to work with, and Buddy Ryan leads the depth chart him; and Juan Castillo, who did a great job as an offensive line coach and a terrible job as a defensive coordinator. I should also point out that the Eagles have hired Sid Gillman, Wade Phillips, Dick LeBeau, Jeff Fisher, Tom Coughlin, Bill Callahan, Ron Rivera, and Ted Marchibroda at various stages of their coaching career, all of whom have had successful assistant or captain coaches career.

How many Eagles had too much gear at a wedding? – Taylor R.

If you can’t kiss your bride or groom, you’re overdressed. Other than that, it’s your wedding, do what you want, although I would stay away from face painting.

If you want to go all out, here are some tips (don’t take this advice):

– Get married in the Jetro lot. I wouldn’t be surprised if this has been done before.

– Think of your food and drinks as a tailgate and you can save money on the bartender by going through a keg. In fact, if done right, it could be a really cool wedding. Damn, I’m so pissed I didn’t expect mine.

– Walk down the aisle to the Eagles’ battle song, sung by everyone present.

– Wear a helmet with a full cage visor instead of a bridal veil.

– Have the bridesmaids wear the Eagles uniform like Princess Diana. Let the best man wear the jersey, and if you have five best man, you can go to all offensive line or all technical position players.

– Write your vows on a piece of Andy Reed-sized game paper, or have the best man or bridesmaid hold up cards like Chip Kelly used.

– Bouquets must be snapped up for the bride before being thrown.

– Have the officiant say “The time is yours” instead of “I declare you now…”

– Recording Merrill Reese saying “THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!!” when the bride and groom (or bride and bride or groom and groom) kiss. Maybe at the right price he’ll host?

Seriously though, midnight green is a really good accent color for a wedding.

Which Eagle would you like to be your cornhole partner? – Taylor M.

I take Gardner Minshew for two reasons. One, you need a consistent, soft, accurate, curved toss to perform well in the cornhole. Minshew is such a passer. He wouldn’t try to shoot it with a rifle in there.

But more importantly, when the Jaguars drafted Minshew in the 2019 draft…he was hitting the cornhole.

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