Have you lost the intimacy between you and your partner? Do you sometimes think the only thing you two have in common is the same postcode? Do you seem to be more like roommates than lovers?
When you are married or coupled, over time it is easy for the relationship to become one of utility rather than sensuality, magic and love. Each person has a part of him in the relationship that is about home and work, and each of you is committed to playing his part. Or at least we hope so, right?
In this process, the relationship connection becomes one of the questions: Did you call and reschedule your appointment? Can you come get the kids today? What time did you say the event is tonight?
Fortunately, there are a few ways to bring back that spark you once had and deepen the intimacy between you and your partner.
Here are 6 ways to enjoy married sex and intimacy again.
1. Avoid living as roommates.
When you feel comfortable with each other, on the one hand, it’s a wonderful feeling. You feel safe knowing the other person is there. On the other hand, that confidence can also cause boredom or monotony due to a couple falling into the same routine.
This is especially true in the bedroom. If you’ve found a way that works sexually, you probably do it repeatedly, not exploring other paths anymore. It gives you pleasure, but over time it becomes a routine and there is nothing special about it.
Or maybe you are a couple who no longer even have a sexual connection. You haven’t had sex in so long that it would even seem odd to be together like that again. Unfortunately, this is an all too common situation.
When your relationship becomes a utilitarian life and you want to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse again, know that there is hope. What is required in the first place, however, is the commitment, energy and effort on the part of both parties.
2. Commit to one another.
You both have to commit to taking this special time for each other. Yes, it will take energy and effort to make it happen instead of going out with a glass of wine, TV or a movie. You may have time, but what you may not have is the commitment.
Schedule a weekly time to get intimate together and stick to that schedule. Get a deal from your partner and make it a part of your life as if you are doing other tasks that need to be done.
Cultivating intimacy and keeping your intimacy alive is an important task that must be taken seriously if you want to enjoy sexual intimacy with one another. This “task” can be fun, uplifting and a lot of fun.
3. You lose spontaneity.
You or your partner, with this arrangement, may be concerned that such a plan or routine would eliminate spontaneity. But planned sex is better than no sex. And planned sex creates intention.
Intentions are powerful. It is through intentions that things become manifest.
4. Practice sexual exploration.
If you want to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse again, you both need to engage in a life of sexual exploration with each other. It is important to have a spirit of wanting to help the other to expand their sexual horizons.
This doesn’t mean going to the local strip joint or bringing another person into your intimate relationship.
The kind of sexual exploration I speak of is raw, authentic and deeply vulnerable. It’s the kind of sexual connection that has no pretensions or plans. It is the kind of sexual connection that supports the exploration of one’s erotic innocence.
5. Try a sexual healing practice.
If you are like most couples, you will greatly benefit from having a sexual healing practice. Sexual healing requires space for the other’s sexuality.
What do I mean by making room for the other’s sexuality? During my training with the Divine Feminine Institute, I learned a form of conscious touch called the nourishing practice of Awakening and Healing (AH), created by Caroline Muir.
An AH session can be performed fully clothed or completely naked, depending on your needs and comfort level. In an AH practice, one person is the recipient and the other is the giver. It is well defined and there is no confusion. In a typical sexual act, this is not the case.
Commonly, it becomes a free for all, with each person taking turns giving and receiving touch, often frantically moving towards the goal of one or both partners reaching orgasm. It can get a little hectic and even stressful.
Individuals may not fully embrace receiving or giving as deep as possible. This prevents both individuals from experiencing the full pleasure and a deeper level of sexual intimacy with their spouse that is potentially possible.
Another common sexual act situation is that the couple “has it”, so to speak. They know how to give each other orgasms; thus, the sexual act becomes an expression of utilitarian, non-creative, even non-spiritual liberation.
With both sexual expressions, sex often becomes unsatisfactory. These are our sexual dilemmas.
The nutritional practice of AH dissolves these dilemmas. In each AH session, there is a donor and a recipient. The donor is there to “hold space” for the recipient and facilitate an opening at whatever level the recipient is ready to open.
The receiver is in a reclined position which facilitates an opening. The donor is seated between the recipient’s legs, facing them. The giver has full access to all chakras (energy centers) and the recipient’s body.
6. Look into your eyes.
The practice of AH involves gaze, breath, sound, conscious touch, and a tremendous amount of presence and intimacy. It has more presence and intimacy than most are used to. This is why AH practice is transformative.
When there is presence, any repressed emotion can easily emerge. The giver can simply, with his presence, compassion and love, allow unpleasant emotions, such as fear, shame, pain and anger, to be transformed or released out of the body.
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This practice not only addresses the problem of intimacy head-on, but helps bring more vitality into the body.
Attention is focused on the recipient, relaxing him and giving him a safe environment to open. It is a way to “hold space” or be present for someone’s sexual energy.
Since one person is the giver and the other is the recipient, the recipient is able to fully focus on himself and his needs. The way the practice is set up, it is much easier for the recipient to explore and ask for what he or she wants without the pressure of having to do it.
This is an effective way to learn more about each other, each other’s body, and each other’s sexual needs. This practice is done with all lights on and eyes open.
When you engage in this sexual healing practice, you start to really see yourself. You learn to share your bodies with each other in a more intimate and caring way. Great things can happen when you learn to be present and give to your lover this way.
Bottom line, you don’t have to be a couple that has lost intimacy.
It simply needs to be cultivated regularly but in a different way that brings more vitality to the bodies of others and more intimacy between the hearts of others. Don’t lose touch with each other. Become each other’s healers. When you do, sexual intimacy will follow.
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Anna-Thea is an author and spiritual sex educator. She is dedicated to educating women and offering new perspectives on relationships and intimacy. For more information, visit her website or connect with her for a 30-minute coaching session.
This article was originally published on annathea.org. Reprinted with the permission of the author.